Trudge On, Dear One. . .
A friend and local therapist, Kate Martin, gave me permission to share the following:
About suicide:
If you’re feeling that life is too much and you can’t take it anymore, I understand. Life can be unbearably cruel, and when you’re working with deficient neurotransmitters already it may feel impossible to navigate. You may feel terribly alone. You may feel like a burden to your loved ones. You may feel like you don’t belong here.
I understand this, I’ve felt it too.
Your life is yours. You are the author of your story, and you are allowed to end it whenever you choose. This is not a choice that anyone else can make for you, and neither should anyone judge or criticize your process. But if I could just make a gentle request…
Please remember pain doesn’t last forever. You know this because you’ve been living it. This pain is cyclical, and yes the constant return of your old nemesis depression is an exhausting dance you may want to bow out of. But in between the dark times, aren’t there beautiful moments? Aren’t there fireflies and fresh summer fruits and silly old movies you’ve watched a hundred times that feel like an old friend? Arent there songs you know by heart and smells that transport you backward in time to the most vivid memories? Aren’t there children being adorable and animals being kind and wise and aren’t there still places on this planet you haven’t been that you long to see? Isn’t there the possibility that some of this heaviness will ease, even just for a little while, so that you can experience some more of the sweetness that this life hands out in equal measure?
If you’re ready to leave, if you’re ready to give up the small beauties of this life in exchange for relief from the pain, I understand and I love you. But I wish you would stay just a little longer. You are the kind of person the world needs more of, and I want a chance to know you. You make the world sweeter and better with your deeply feeling heart.
I love you.
Yeah. What she said.
Sometimes life just sucks. The future looks bleak, choices are between bad and worse, and it feels like there is absolutely no hope. You might feel untethered—“Why am I even here?”—and question, “What’s the point?” Life may feel like a superficial act—like just going through the motions. . .You might hate yourself and be filled with guilt/shame/remorse/regret/sorrow, not being able to fathom making things right or living beyond these feelings. . .Maybe you feel like a waste of space—a burden, even—and think people would be better off without you. Maybe you don’t feel period anymore—you are just plain numb. I get it.
Science doesn’t yet have answers for how our most primal drive—to survive—gets not only thwarted but overturned for some. Kate references deficient neurotransmitters, which is often found for those suffering clinical depression, and can be a contributing factor. Trauma, a highly misunderstood and often unrecognized concept, drapes over the traumatized like a heavy, black veil of negative, self messages woven so finely that one cannot see that they have become the filter through which they view the world; trauma, thus, can also be a consideration. Impulse control—or a lack thereof, rather—can be an element. While these and potentially other factors may contribute to suicide, the exact formula—or formulas—are not yet known.
What I do know is this: If you are presently in the throes of danger, reach out to someone! You do not have to do this on your own. Don’t have anyone? There are suicide* and mental health hotlines that are accessible 24 hours a day. Finally, you can present to your local emergency room for support. Please do not suffer silently alone!
If you are not imminently in danger, the following applies:
1) ”We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” Anais Nin. Is the story that you are telling yourself the truth—meaning, is it 100% fact? Is there the possibility of viewing things differently? If you were to have a loved one speak your story as if it were their own, would you still hold the position that you do now? Or, might you have more compassion, more kindness, more leniency, etc.? So, if it is not 100% fact—meaning your understanding could change—why make a permanent decision like suicide?
We. Notice the languaging of the quote: the author did not choose to say, “I,” or, “you,” but instead said, “we.” All human beings have flaws. All human beings are designed to need each other to meet their needs—to be interdependent. If you don’t have hope right now, let someone else hold out hope for you. It is strong and brave—not weak—to muster up the courage to ask for what you need.
2) HALT(S): Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and Sick. This is a helpful acronym to remember to both pause and to consider how your physical and emotional state can impact your overall wellbeing. Under the mentioned conditions, you are more likely to be distressed and easily exacerbated.
3) “Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake,” Wallace Stevens. Move! Go outside! Call or text someone! Change your scenery, change your focus and act your way into a different mood or frame of mind (or at least experience a healthy distraction). Your feelings are not facts—they are subject to change. For example, consider how people often are able to compose themselves—regardless of whatever mood they had been in prior—to answer the phone. Try sitting with your feeling until it shifts (around 7 minutes, per science) or try using the aforementioned distraction/diversion technique. When your mood has shifted, notice if what was previously so disturbing or distressing still registers the same for you now; the likelihood is that it will not.
If that is insufficient, consider whether you are triggered right now. (For example, are you experiencing any of the following: agitation, anxiety, sweating, grinding your teeth, clenching your jaw or fists, ruminating on a set of thoughts, etc.?) If so, try taking some deep, long exhalations—the exhale lasting longer than the inhale. This engages the parasympathetic nervous system to tell your brain that you are safe and sends signals to calm the body. Another tool is to invoke a diver’s reflex by bending at the waist over a sink and splashing cold water in your face. This should provide at least 20 minutes of relief. Finally, another option is to set your timer for 20 minutes, the amount of time it generally requires (once you have taken a break from your present mental preoccupation or find a diversion) to then reintegrate all mental faculties to be able to once again make rational choices. Choose to revisit this list once you are calmed and regulated again.
4) ”This too shall pass,” (and then there will be other sh*t). . .The original phrase is just too Pollyanna for true devasation and despair. Hopefully, you can see the humor in the adapted expression. Struggle is the human experience. To struggle and, hence, to feel pain is normal. The need, then, becomes to persist until the present struggle passes. This can be done one day at a time—even a moment at a time.
5) ”Know thyself,” Socrates. What matters to you? Who matters to you? Find images or reminders of these people/places/things and keep them handy to anchor you: paste these images or mantras to your dashboard, mount them on your computer screen, write messages to yourself on a mirror/refrigerator/journal, wear something that grounds you or connects you to that person/place/thing, or keep a talisman in your pocket that you can touch as needed. Alternatively, you could compose a letter to yourself clearly stating what you will do when times get hard; you could offer yourself some potential resources, supports, and mantras for those times, as well. You could also be clear about what you stand to lose if you were to commit suicide.
6) Draw from the past: how have you weathered past storms? Where did you find your strength? Who or what were your supports and resources? What traits of yours helped you? Consider how to use this knowledge to your advantage going forward.
These are just a few suggestions intended to help in hard times. Like Kate, I recognize that you have choices. I have often found that the most compassionate people are those who have known pain and suffering; this is one more reason that I would hate to lose you. Stick around long enough and you can ask me about my own anchor (see #5)—a tattoo. . .
I *hope* you trudge on, dear one. . . I will be walking alongside you in spirit on my own journey through life's struggles. Let's take it one step at a time. . .
A Brief List of Suicide Prevention Phone and Text Resources:
*National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
*Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741
*Crisis Call Center 24/7/365 Crisis Hotline, Call: 1(800) 273-8255;
Text “ANSWER” TO 839863
*Veteran’s Crisis Line: 1(800) 273-8255 Press “1”
*The Trevor Lifeline for LGBTQ Youth: 1 (866) 488-7386
--To access chat, use a computer and enter: thetrevorproject.org and search for “chat”