Holidays 101 in 2020

As the holiday season approaches, I encourage you to bear in mind that we continue to be living in unprecedented times.  (2020 will forever be synonymous with the word “unprecedented,” right?)  The holidays are often inherently stressful given their concomitant increase in preparations, gatherings, engagements, etc.  This year, of course, these matters are heightened due to issues related to Covid-19, fallout from the pandemic, political divisiveness, etc. In fact, there is so much change and uncertainty in the world today, it is as if a fire alarm were constantly going off in the part of the brain that detects danger.  This fatigues our faculties and raises our baseline of stress, making it that much easier to be short with or say ugly things to others. As such, I encourage you to consider the following this season:

“Know thyself,” Socrates, and, more specifically:

Understand your motives.  Why am I going/here?  Is it to connect?  To honor tradition? Bear those intentions in mind going into and during the holiday.  Develop these motives into mantras, or filters that you employ to make decisions.  For example, ask yourself, “Is this kind?” or “Does this promote connection?” prior to making a choice or speaking.

Obligation increases tension.  If your engagements are derived from a sense of obligation, understand that your tension is likely already elevated.  Recognizing where you do have choices, like that you are choosing to fulfill an obligation, deciding where you will sit, stepping outdoors, leaving early, etc., can help alleviate a felt sense of pressure or powerlessness.

Examine your expectations, as they are, of course, fodder for premeditated resentments.  Are your expectations based on fantasy or reality?  Are they shared?  Would you be willing to articulate them in advance so as to potentially avoid conflict or disappointment on the holiday if they were not to be shared or reality based?

“Hysterical is historical.”  When one’s reaction in the present is disproportionate to the precipitant, chances are, one has bumped into a place of past wounding.  Know your triggers:  do you feel unheard?  Unseen?  Unwanted?  Not valued?  Own these narratives and, to the best of your ability, avoid any “landmines,” or people, places and things, that might trigger them.

Know your limits.  Ask yourself not only, “Do I have this to give?” but also, “Do I want to do/give this?”  For example, is two hours time enough for gathering but three pushes your kiddos—and you, by extension—to the brink?  Are you happy to discuss history through the 1970s but not beyond?  Are you glad to provide a dish or two for dinner but not to host the meal?  Honor yourself to not only set yourself up for success but also to prevent bitterness, resentment or fatigue from coming out sideways. . .

In light of the above, consider utilizing the following strategies:

Engage your social supports, especially if you are expecting this gathering to be rife with tension.  Consider “bookending,” or contacting someone to be a support and/or accountability partner prior to the event and ascertain that they will be available for a check in after the event.  An additional strategy is to enlist another person who will be present to be an ally. You decide what you want or need from this ally and determine with them whether they are willing and able to offer that.  Examples would be that they could assist in steering conversation away from uncomfortable topics, could sit between you and a person with whom you have difficulty, or just offer solace in the simple awareness that you have support in the room.  Note that this person doesn’t have to agree with you to be an ally—they just have to be open and willing to support you in your request to be supported however you specify.  

Pause.  Take a deep breath.  Slow down.  Give yourself space to respond rather than to react.  

Know that you don’t have to comment or weigh in on conversations—even if you are pushed into a corner on a topic that is uncomfortable. That being said, should you decide that you would like to briefly respond, utilize the broken record technique:  make a simple statement and, if pressed, simply repeat (repeat, repeat!) as needed.  

“Be generous with your assumptions,” as stated by Terrence Real.  Communication is complicated.  There is what is thought by one party, how it is expressed, how it is heard by another party and then how it is interpreted.  Hence, there is plenty of room for misunderstanding in that process.  Check in with the other person for clarification if you feel hurt or affronted.   In the case that it were not a misunderstanding, this leads to another tool:  “Do not take things personally,” Don Miguel Ruiz.  Know that what people say and do is more a reflection on them than it is about you.  

Focus on similarities.  While in this political climate there is a clear sense of divide, seek to notice or connect around similarities or sharedness.  You both love football?  You have fond memories of holidays past together?  You each value family?  Capitalize on this.  

Expand your lenses, or put on your “perspectacles,” as Glennon Doyle would say.  Twenty years from now, what will you want to recall about this time?  What would give you peace, a sense of pride, or maybe even joy to remember?  Recognize that change is the only constant, and that the  “how,” or the spirit, of the way you move through this challenging period may be as important as the “what,” or the content, of what you say or do. 

Try on some humility—which is incredibly different from humiliation, or being embarrassed.  Humility is to be teachable, to have a sense that there is more to be known, wisdom to be attained, etc.  From this place, consider the idea that, “We don’t see the world as it is, but as we are,” Anais Nin.  Perception is not necessarily reality, and we each bring to the table different experiences and teachings; as such, how could we possibly all understand the world the same?

Decide whether you prefer to be right or be in relationship.  Is this the hill you want to die on?  In this moment, is being “right,” more important than being in “relationship?”  Can you be “right,” internally without having to prove it aloud or have the other party’s validation?

Give mulligans—including to yourself.  Tensions are high with all the uncertainty in the world regarding the pandemic alone, much less its effects.  Know that that is a recipe for missteps, and give grace within reason.  

Set boundaries:  this is the extension of knowing your limits.  Boundaries can be internal and unspoken or external and articulated.  Boundaries are constructed to protect you (and, by extension, the relationship); other parties do not have to agree with your boundaries. Boundaries, however, have to be both enforceable and enforced for them to be effective.  For example, “When you bring up politics, I will leave the room/hang up the phone/etc.”

Consider saving your breath.  If you hope to convince someone, in this highly polarized political climate, of your perspective, know that cognitive dissonance is a powerful force.  Chances are that you are engaging with someone with a solidified worldview, and while it may be a head-scratcher as to how they may assimilate information that seems to be in conflict with their position, beliefs, etc., the nature of cognitive dissonance is to nonetheless reconcile these differences so as to maintain that worldview.  This is not a conscious choice, and therefore, is a difficult force with which to be reckoned.

Know that self care is not selfish.  As humans, we have a finite amount of energy to be used mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Do things to nourish yourself leading up to the holidays so as to be better able to not only enjoy the season but also to have gas in your tank to fuel yourself along with friends and family.  

Take your temperature.  While health checks are practically rote these days, consider adding to them a moment of reflection on your mental and emotional wellbeing.  Scan your body and see if you are holding tension anywhere.  Be mindful of your stress level as you move through your day, using that information to make decisions appropriate to your reserves.  Our best is relative to how we are doing at any given moment.  While we can’t do better than our best, being aware of our present functioning could prevent us from accidentally exceeding our limits and therefore from wreaking havoc on our intentions.

I *hope* that you can take what you need from this post and leave the rest, and I wish you and yours a fulfilling, safe and healthy holiday season!